A man walked into my workshop today, uninvited, unannounced and reeking of stale cigarette smoke. He had apparently heard rumours of the goings-on in my shed and had taken it upon himself to investigate.
He walked straight up to a chest of drawers, the top of which I was scraping smooth and without so much as a by-your-leave, started running his hand over the surface and informed me I should sand it with 320 grit sandpaper. The insufferable intruder then proceeded to instruct me on the matter of applying “blotch control” to the figured walnut prior to “staining and French polishing the piece”!
Me: “I presume by ‘blotch control’ you mean some form of pre-stain conditioner.”
Annoying Man: “Yes. It will even out the blotches and make the colour more uniform.”
Me: “I spent days poring over acres of veneer in search of these vibrant ‘blotches’ as you call them. Why would I now want to diffuse them?”
Annoying Man: “Because they’ll ruin the look of the piece.”
Me: “It’s not a gun, it’s a chest of drawers!”
It was at this point, with uncommon restraint and great composure; I warned the malapert man if he uttered another word and did not immediately set forth whence he came, I would set about him with my walking stick!